Worst of 2017 – Shitty Well Vodka Bloody Mary Awards

by Tim Barley

Yawn, The opposite of a Golden Flask Award list

CocktailsandMovies.com 2017 Shitty Movie Awards

NOTE: I did not see any of the movies in the above photo.

Each week, on our “Monday Morning Hangover Report,” CocktailsandMovies.com shares with you what happened each weekend at the box office. Every week, we report on the box office numbers and which movies did well and which disappointed by offering up Cristal mimosas and bloody Mary’s. As the Hollywood Award Season culminates with the Oscars, we want to look back at the good and the bad of 2017 as we offer up our First Annual “Shitty Well Vodka Bloody Mary Awards.” Let’s all grab a cocktail and remember (or try NOT to) these films of 2017.

ANOTHER NOTE: these are movies I have SEEN in theaters. I’ve added a few to the end that even I wouldn’t go see for brief reasons.

In no particular order, but you’ll be able to guess which ones we hated more…

Valerian and the City of a 1000 Planets – okay, so we did want to share this one first because it is the only movie we have ever walked out of. Seriously, it took us about 15 minutes to see that this piece of crap was boring us, no matter how hopped up we were on cocktails. It’s a shame they wasted as much money they did on spfx and nothing on a story. Luc Besson is better than this and EuroCorp should thank god that it did $140 million around the world, as the $40 million it made in the U.S. wasn’t even close to the huge budget on this thing.

Downsizing – this actually had a pretty solid concept built into it: shrink yourself down and leave less of a footprint on the world. But, instead of what could have been a great character study of a man (Matt Damon) who left everything behind to be small, we got a lecture on what we’ve done to the Earth and a movie that starts  out a little shaky and then meander off the road, over a cliff of “what’s happening?” It’s a shame because Alexander Payne (Nebraska, The Descendents) is a very capable writer/director.

The Mummy – I saw this with fellow CocktailsandMovies.com writer Duwayne Tso, so I can’t complain TOO much. But, Universal had such a great opportunity to launch it’s Dark Universe project (now abandoned), and they squandered it with a terrible movie that featured a ton of quality actors chewing the scenery as if craft services had left the building. The Mummy is played out, everyone. Let’s move on to something new and exciting, shall we?

The Dark Tower – from the “goddamit, what a fucking shame” category, comes this movie based on the Stephen King classic. I am sure that everyone in the world who has read the Gunslinger saga has an an idea of how it would look. Apparently, the only people who got a say in how it would look are the asshats at the studio who created something that didn’t resemble the grit and awe of the original book. The series of books now looks in doubt, which is shame since It did so well. Maybe SK should only let one studio make his films…

Now, here are some movies I didn’t see and glad I didn’t (and that’s saying a lot since I’ll see almost anything):

CHiPs – Nope, still have no inclination to watch this

Baywatch –  I did catch part of this on HBO or something, and there is a saving grace. Both Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron have the comedic chops and timing to do great things in this world

Kidnap  – What the fuck? This was the second attempt to make Halle Berry an action star (2013’s The Call) with no success whatsoever.

Transformers: Last Knight – yeah, I really couldn’t. I was between jobs and no amount of mid week matinee discount was going to get me to go see this turd, which of course lost a boatload of money. But, hey, word is there are still more to come…yay

The Emoji Movie  – this is what America has come to: a movie about little fucking things used because we can’t be bothered to actually type out phrases or (gasp) talk on our mobile phones. And someone greenlit this fucking thing. Fuck you, Sony.

50 Shades Darker – and then we had another one this year. Please, please, please be over

Well, there you are; 10 movies that sucked. And not the good kind of sucking that empties a rocks glass of that last bit of cocktail. No, these movies are deserving of nothing more than shitty well vodka and horrible Bloody Mary mix and soggy celery sticks. Look for our other list: the 2017 Golden Flask Awards, as we share what we loved from 2017. Until then, cocktails up!

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